Chapter is up!!!  

I hope this and the next two to three chapters give you all a better inside look on Chris’ and Rissa’s relationship. ^___^

That Should Be Me: Chapter 29: One sweet day. 

Marissa

Sitting in Mama’s room Indian style in the center of her bed I looked around her room as the tears leaked from my eyes. The smell of her perfume lingered in the air and even though she isn’t here I can feel here presence. Grabbing her pillow she was laying on I held it close to me and stared blankly at the wall. I’m not sure what the guys were doing but I need a few moments to myself — just to gather my thoughts.

Cool air hit my skin send chills down my spine but I felt a warm touch on my back. Tears filled my eyes even more at the thought of planning all this stuff. Maybe Auntie Christine could help me I doubt the guys would be of much help.

They are like zombies walking around here; the life in their eyes and smiles on their faces are gone. Its saddening to see them like this and low-key feel bad for not acting the same way but things have to get done.

Sighing I scooted off of the bed and picked up the notebook and pen I brought with me to make a list of the things needed to be done. Soft knocks sounded at the door and Auntie Christine poked her head inside the room.

“Hi baby.” she smiled softly with red puffy eyes.

“Hi.” I mumbled hoarsely. 

“What are you doing?” she asked coming to sit next to me.

“Making a list of things that need to be done for the funeral.”

“Gimmie this hunny. Go downstairs make yourself something hot to drink. Let me handle this. I don’t want you to get overwhelmed — plus Joyce did most of the planning.” she pulled me into a hug and kissed my forehead. Nodding with sniffles I did what I was told.

Me becoming overwhelmed would not be good. I do have a bad case of anxiety and I do have episodes but I can maintain them to a certain degree. Once it is out of my control its all downhill from there.

I looked back up at Auntie no longer being able to hold back my tears. “I miss her already!” I sobbed. “I do too baby.” she cried hugging me tightly. This has to be absolutely the worse thing ever in life. I know death is a part of life but it sure enough has bad fucking timing! I was really counting on Mama J to help me with my situation. Now she’s gone and I am all alone in this. Once I and Auntie stopped crying I made my way downstairs to the kitchen.

I decided to take Auntie’s suggestion and decided to make me something hot to drink — Mama’s famous hot chocolate. I did a survey of the house to see who was still awake. Going through the cabinets I took out everything I need; coco powder, sugar, and vanilla extract. I put a pot of water on the stove to boil and took out a pitcher and cups. The sweet smell filled the kitchen and it already began to relax me.

When Mama use to make this for me in the guys she always made us drink out of these deformed mugs we made when we were younger. Mixing all the ingredients together after the water cane to a boil I poured the hot mixture into the special cups and added whip cream to the cups. I grabbed enough spoons and sat them on the circular tray along with the hot drinks that steamed. The sun was beginning to come up and everyone was still up. Walking over to Auntie Christine first I smiled softly and handed her a spoon and let her choose her cup.

She looked up at me and she laughed to herself when she saw the cups. Going over to Austin I gave him his deformed cup and a small smile slowly stretched across his lip. I did the same to Bow, Tyga, and Mijo and we shared a little laugh. Chris was sitting by the window away from everyone watching outside. He looked like he was in a trance; like there was something out there hypnotizing him.

“Hey.” I called out and he slowly turned his head to look at me. His red deformed cup sat next to mine and he laughed as he picked it up. He looked at me with sad watery eyes with modest smile. “Thanks.” he said taking the spoon and scooped some whip cream from the top and stuck it in his mouth.

“You’re welcome.” I nodded before taking an seat next to Bow. He seems to be taking it the worse and I’m starting to worry about him. “Hey come here.” I said and he leaned his back against me while I wrapped my arms around his torso. Sitting in quietness everyone else seemed to be in their own worlds and I just observed them.

Auntie was slowly nodding off to sleep and Austin sat at her feet with his head resting on her knees. Mijo sat back against the couch with his head back looking up at the ceiling. Tyga somehow stretched out on the floor staring his deformed cup with a sad expression.

Bow watched my fingers play with his occasionally looking off onto the wall that had a family portrait of us with Mama. And as for Chris he looked numb; empty inside. Staring out the window he brought his knees up and rested his forehead against them. 

Never had I imagined

Living without your smile

Feeling and knowing you hear me

It keeps me alive

And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven

Like so many people we’ve lost along the way

And I know eventually we’ll be together

One sweet day

Although the sun will never shine the same again

I’ll always look to a brighter day

Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep

You will always listen as I pray…

Chris sang beautifully bring all of us to tears. Covering my face I felt my jaw tense and a stinging sensation as I fought back my tears. I felt bad watching Chris sob; it hurt me to see him so sad. As bad as I wanted to go hug and kiss him all over to let him know everything was going to be just fine — I couldn’t.

Why? Because I didn’t believe it will be. We’ve lost the most influential woman in our lives and on top of that I and Chris are shit. Things are not supposed to be this way!

“This is not how it’s supposed to be!” I sobbed wiping the tears from under my eyes. Everyone turned their heads to look at me. “Mama is supposed to be here! Preaching the bible to us and keeping our asses in line! She —,” I paused and let out a breath as the tears fell freely.

Bow sat up and pulled me into a hug. As so did the guys except Chris they huddled around me. I couldn’t even finish my thoughts because the tears wouldn’t stop. Everything wanted to come out like word vomit but couldn’t.

My eyes met with Chris’ and I saw Mama’s face. Slowly her presence morphed onto the side of him and she placed her hand on his shoulder and kissed the top of his head. I knew he felt what I saw because he looked up right at her as if he knew where she was. 

You ever have that sudden feeling of not being able to breathe? Overwhelmed with a heavy heart and soul I tried to stop the tears but they wouldn’t quit. “Yo she turning blue!” One of the guys hollered. I felt my body jolt and my eyes rolled to the back of my head. 

Chris

“Tyga go in Rissa’s room and look in her drawers and grab a pink case labeled ‘sedatives’. Hurry!” Auntie yelled getting up and over to her. “Lay her down and try to help keep her still.” she instructed Bow and Mijo. I’ve seen Marissa do this only twice in my life. The first time I don’t remember what happened but the second time she was nervous about our move to LA.

Flashback

“You ready huh?! Are ya ready?!” I teased excitedly as we brought down our suitcases. “As ready as I’ll ever be.” she let out a breath wiping the sweat from her forehead. It’s not even hot in fact it’s cold as fuck — well chilly. “Why you sweating? Nervous about getting on the plane?” I teased trying to get a smile out of her.

“Bite me fucker.” she cursed lowly.

“Awwh Baby Rissa scared of heights. Want a blankly or Teddy bear?” I pouted and she rolled her eyes. “Awwh Rissa don’t be like that,” I poked at her sides. “Just think about it we gon have our own crib in the beautiful big LA scene. We gon be on our own and nobody can tell us what the fuck to do!” I cursed lowly with a huge smile.

Her eyes went blank and so did her face. It was like she was frozen. Grabbing my hand tightly she put all her weight on me as her eyes fluttered shut.

“MAMA!!!” I hollered holding Rissa as her body began to jerk like she was having a seizure. “MAMA COME QUICK RISSA HAVING A SEIZURE!!!” I panicked feeling the tears begin to burn my eyes. I heard many heavy footsteps like someone was running.

“Chris look in her bags and see if you see a pink case with needles in it.” Mama ordered trying to hold Rissa’s head still. Digging through all her bags I frantically searched for the case. When I finally found it I opened it and took out a needle. 

“Here’s a needle mama.”

“Hold her still make sure she doesn’t bang her head against the floor.” Mama ordered and we switched positions. Mama pulled up one of Rissa sleeves and held her arm tightly while she looked for a vein. “Bow come hold her shoulder down.” Mama directed.

Once that was done Mama stuck the needle into her and inserted the drug in her. Instantly Rissa’s body stopped jerking so hard and to the point she stopped in seconds.

“What was happening to her Mama?” I asked letting out a sigh of slight relief. “She was having an anxiety attack baby. She gets them when she is extremely overwhelmed. She’s good at not letting herself get to this point but y’all have to watch her.” Mama warned us and we all nodded. 

End of Flashback

That was the last time I known of her having a anxiety attack. Tyga came back with the case and Auntie took it and grabbed it and found a vein quickly and inserted the medicine into her system. Her body quickly stops jerking — she just laid there with her eyes closed.

Getting up I went to get a cold towel for her forehead just so she doesn’t overheat and have to go to the hospital. Coming back with the towel I placed it on her forehead.

“Y’all can go ahead and go to bed. I’ll stay up and watch her.” I offered taking in everyone’s exhausted appearances.

“You sure hunny?” Auntie asked and I nodded. Everyone went to their rooms and I raised Rissa’s head and sat down placing her head in my lap. Playing in her hair I watched her lay there peacefully. She’s semi-conscious the sedatives only paralyzes her body from jerking but sometimes she’s awake even though she can’t open her eyes – let alone move at all.

“We have to help each other through this.” I sniffed lowly.

“Rissa if you can hear me listen to what I’m saying,” I paused and sniffed roughly. Even if she can’t speak back I just need her to listen to me. “I need you – horribly. I don’t want you to leave me – don’t move out. I need you to help me through this. Let’s just put all the bullshit aside and focus on what matters.” I rambled.

I’m not even sure why I am saying what I am saying. I feel so numb inside and out. Too much is changing in my life and I need some familiarity. Mama always said me and Rissa are like peanut butter and jelly at times and at others we are like vinegar and water.  

I need my jelly right now…

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